It all started when I was in boarding school. I was doing my diploma course, International Baccalaureate. I was in my 1st year and everything seemed exciting. Studying in a boarding school was fun and staying away from parents was actually a different experience. But soon, things started to change. Just three months had passed and I wasn’t enjoying school anymore. It wasn’t the same; I felt lonely and despised talking to people.
It all came as a strange surprise for me; I had always loved talking to people and I loved my friends. The three other girls I shared my room with were always good to me, but all of a sudden my attitude had changed. I would go to school in the morning and by the time I came back to my room when the day was done, I was ready to lock myself away again. The girl who loved hanging out with people and who always tried to come up with excuses to sneak out of the dorm was now afraid to step out of the room.
Very soon, my feelings and my actions started to get even more confusing. My friends really started to notice that I wasn’t the same person anymore, and that there was something wrong, when I would wake up in the middle of the night and sit on my bed staring into the blank space. I would just sit in the dark for hours – I have no idea why.
Weeks passed by and it didn’t stop. I continued to wake at the dead of night, but instead of staring into the darkness, I began to cry. I remember clutching onto the sheets and sobbing. Why was I crying? I don’t know and I would never have known if it weren’t for the nightmares that soon started to haunt me.
I had weird dreams; each one was a truly shocking experience. They would wake me up on a nightly basis and forbid me from sleeping peacefully. They were morbid dreams that still make me flinch when I think of them. I wanted them to stop but if only it was that easy. It was like I was being read the same story every night – again and again.
It was one night in October 2013 when things got out of control. I was sleeping and had a dream that changed my life. In the dream, I was stabbing myself repeatedly. It was horrifying. I woke up with a start, screaming and crying. My friends came running, asking me if everything was okay...
Everything was far from okay. Things were getting out of control. I was going mental and I was scared. I had no choice but to escape that place. Very soon, my parents decided to take me back home and I took a break from school for two months.
In those two months, all I did was stay in bed, cry and eat. The amount of food I was eating in a day was unbelievable. Naturally, I started gaining weight, and slowly became very overweight and unhealthy. My father's suspicions grew when he saw me consuming so much food, so my parents started began researching my symptoms. Eventually, my doctor told me I was bipolar and was prescribed anti-depressants. But, in truth, it only made things worse. I started having panic attacks and the once fearless Kabya was now scared of everything! Nothing was the same anymore. My parents were sad; my mother just couldn't understand what was happening to me and the fear of losing her daughter was driving her crazy.
I tried to get rid of the pain, fear, and agony, but nothing was working. My parents tried to send me to school again, but I insisted that I wanted to leave school. I was making stupid decisions. I was lost.
One night, I was sleeping alongside my parents when my mom woke up screaming and crying – just as I had been doing. But her screams did not stop. It was like she was stuck in a nightmare and it wasn’t ready to let go of her. Her eyes were shut tight. Unable to process what was happening, I crawled away from her. My dad was trying to help my mother, but she wouldn’t stop screaming. At that moment, I realised that if there was any way out of all of this, I had to fight. My parents would be there to help me, but it would be me who would have to make the change. This was all happening to her and my whole family because I was allowing fear to win. If I wanted everything to be alright, I had to fight the fear.
Today, I am a changed woman. Now, when I think back on it all, I realise that the whole experience changed me and made me a better person; a brave girl who won’t just sit back and cry anymore, but can fight and live her life the way she wants.
That night, when my mother was scared, I remember whispering to her something that she now she tells me every night: “All you need to do is fight back the fear in you. Things will get better, I promise”.
Things did getter better.
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