I’m not proud to admit it, but I’m a pathetic scaredy cat. I gasp at the merest of promptings, jump out of my skin on a regular basis, and overreact to loud, unexpected noises. On one occasion, a friend who knew these things about me thought it would be funny to pop a Prosecco cork in close proximity to my unsuspecting ear during dinner. Little did he know that the joke would be on him, as I let out a screech so piercing that it attracted the attention of the two hundred or so other diners in the room. I seem to be on some kind of subconscious high alert at all times for no apparent reason. If it weren’t for my complete lack of any of the other requisite skills, I’d make a great bodyguard.
Being on edge, skittish and easily scared means that I have tended to avoid horror films like the plague. As a tween, I was forced to sit through such classics of the genre as ‘The Ring’ and ‘Final Destination’, but while friends enjoyed ramping up the hysteria, I could hardly wait for it to be over. Left to my own devices, I inevitably change the channel or hit pause just at the moment when the high-pitched violins reach their crescendo. I don’t mind the supernatural stuff so much, but the axe-murderer stuff is not enjoyable to watch. Like Crimewatch, it just leaves me a bit traumatised, reminds me of all of the evil in the world and means I leave the landing light on for the next few nights. Fun.
If you are a fellow fear dodger, there are some steps you can take to make watching horror films less daunting. Never watch alone. Always follow horror with some mindless, light-hearted viewing. Maintain control of the TV remote despite any protestations from fellow viewers. You could also simply opt to watch a horror which isn’t too scary. While there are many truly disgusting and disturbing gore fests out there, there are also plenty of films which are light on the horror. As the most ridiculous scaredy cat I know, I have road tested a few and come up with a list which will be laughable to hardened horror fans but ideal for fellow cowards. No cushion to hide behind necessary.
This one is more creepy than terrifying, although if I lived alone in a big old house next to a lake I might not choose to watch it of an evening. It’s a classic case of dead mistress haunting current wife in which the plot turns out to be so silly that it can only be mildly scary. Harrison Ford is not quite the devoted husband we initially think he is, but before the big reveal there are plenty of heart-stopping moments which will make you jump. Although perhaps the most stressful to watch of all the films in this list (the bath scene alone took ten years off my life), I find myself distracted from the fear by the gorgeous house décor and Michelle Pfeiffer’s cheekbones. You could grate cheese on those things.
This remake of a 1963 film of the same name is so bad it’s good. It stars Liam Neeson as Dr. Marrow, a psychologist specialising in the effects of fear. He invites a group of strangers to an abandoned mansion in the middle of nowhere where they are to become the unwitting subjects of a study in terror. In a twist you can see coming from the opening shot, Dr. Marrow soon realises that he isn’t the only one twitching curtains, pulling strategically placed strings and carefully angling mirrors in this haunted house. There’s an unexpected family connection, some questionable CGI and a seriously convoluted backstory, all of which contribute to make it too absurd to be scary. The perfect non-horrifying horror.
As a pale, dark haired child with big eyes, I didn’t know when I was four that I was a walking horror cliché. I would have fitted in nicely in The Others, a film that is beautifully shot, highly atmospheric and well written. There is something intensely creepy and macabre about the way the Victorians dealt with death and boy does this film know it. The plot twist at the end is clever and lives up to the sense of foreboding which builds throughout. In the end, it’s more desperately sad than scary, although there are some undeniably spooky moments. It’s worth braving the mild fear for this one.
It’s a bit naughty of me to shoehorn this film into the horror genre, but it does call itself a ‘horror comedy’. Set in New Zealand, where there are seven times as many sheep as humans, this film will change your perception of those woolly creatures in the same way Hitchcock freaked you out about birds. After a genetic experiment goes horribly wrong at a sheep farm and two well-meaning animal rights activists accidentally release a mutant into the wild, hilarity ensues. Now this is the kind of horror I can get into!
I’m sensing a pattern in all of the scary films I like, and it’s that none of them are particularly scary. Well, I tried.
Being on edge, skittish and easily scared means that I have tended to avoid horror films like the plague. As a tween, I was forced to sit through such classics of the genre as ‘The Ring’ and ‘Final Destination’, but while friends enjoyed ramping up the hysteria, I could hardly wait for it to be over. Left to my own devices, I inevitably change the channel or hit pause just at the moment when the high-pitched violins reach their crescendo. I don’t mind the supernatural stuff so much, but the axe-murderer stuff is not enjoyable to watch. Like Crimewatch, it just leaves me a bit traumatised, reminds me of all of the evil in the world and means I leave the landing light on for the next few nights. Fun.
If you are a fellow fear dodger, there are some steps you can take to make watching horror films less daunting. Never watch alone. Always follow horror with some mindless, light-hearted viewing. Maintain control of the TV remote despite any protestations from fellow viewers. You could also simply opt to watch a horror which isn’t too scary. While there are many truly disgusting and disturbing gore fests out there, there are also plenty of films which are light on the horror. As the most ridiculous scaredy cat I know, I have road tested a few and come up with a list which will be laughable to hardened horror fans but ideal for fellow cowards. No cushion to hide behind necessary.
This one is more creepy than terrifying, although if I lived alone in a big old house next to a lake I might not choose to watch it of an evening. It’s a classic case of dead mistress haunting current wife in which the plot turns out to be so silly that it can only be mildly scary. Harrison Ford is not quite the devoted husband we initially think he is, but before the big reveal there are plenty of heart-stopping moments which will make you jump. Although perhaps the most stressful to watch of all the films in this list (the bath scene alone took ten years off my life), I find myself distracted from the fear by the gorgeous house décor and Michelle Pfeiffer’s cheekbones. You could grate cheese on those things.
This remake of a 1963 film of the same name is so bad it’s good. It stars Liam Neeson as Dr. Marrow, a psychologist specialising in the effects of fear. He invites a group of strangers to an abandoned mansion in the middle of nowhere where they are to become the unwitting subjects of a study in terror. In a twist you can see coming from the opening shot, Dr. Marrow soon realises that he isn’t the only one twitching curtains, pulling strategically placed strings and carefully angling mirrors in this haunted house. There’s an unexpected family connection, some questionable CGI and a seriously convoluted backstory, all of which contribute to make it too absurd to be scary. The perfect non-horrifying horror.
As a pale, dark haired child with big eyes, I didn’t know when I was four that I was a walking horror cliché. I would have fitted in nicely in The Others, a film that is beautifully shot, highly atmospheric and well written. There is something intensely creepy and macabre about the way the Victorians dealt with death and boy does this film know it. The plot twist at the end is clever and lives up to the sense of foreboding which builds throughout. In the end, it’s more desperately sad than scary, although there are some undeniably spooky moments. It’s worth braving the mild fear for this one.
It’s a bit naughty of me to shoehorn this film into the horror genre, but it does call itself a ‘horror comedy’. Set in New Zealand, where there are seven times as many sheep as humans, this film will change your perception of those woolly creatures in the same way Hitchcock freaked you out about birds. After a genetic experiment goes horribly wrong at a sheep farm and two well-meaning animal rights activists accidentally release a mutant into the wild, hilarity ensues. Now this is the kind of horror I can get into!
I’m sensing a pattern in all of the scary films I like, and it’s that none of them are particularly scary. Well, I tried.
-2.jpg)
