It was by text message that my ex-husband decided to end our marriage and it was the most devastating thing I have ever had to go through. When he mentioned “it was bad news” out of the blue while I was sitting patiently waiting for him to come home, tears rolled down my cheeks… I could not believe the decision that he’d made… I could not accept it.
I remember that he said that he would to come over to discuss it, but the part where he said that he did not want to be with me anymore through SMS was something I just could not process. It was the most unbelievable and unimaginable thing to go through. Not just for me, but for anyone.
He and I were having problems a few months before, during Christmas of 2013. And, our relationship has not been all that great. When he said he could not decide whether he wanted to marry me or not just before we were about to get married, I should have ran the other way… but I didn’t. Perhaps, I was just too afraid of being alone at the time as well as having a child; it was hard work.
I told my ex to come to the house because I had to know whether or not he was serious. His excuse: “I’m too busy”. But I didn’t give in…he had to come over whether he liked it or not, plus he could pick up more of his things.
When he arrived and as he sat on the sofa, he could not look at my face.“So, what did you want to tell me?” I asked him. “You know… I want to break up,” he said, nervously and without looking at me. I told him to look me in the eye and say it. And when he did, he wasn’t at all serious. In fact, he smiled and laughed. I tried persuading him that we could try and work things out, but he didn’t want any of it. After accepting that it was over, he began to cry. In my mind, I was both confused and upset. I asked him if there was another woman involved; he shook his head.
This was the beginning of my vulnerability. When he left, I lost my appetite, I couldn’t sleep, nor was I able to concentrate on anything. All the same symptoms of falling in love. When I mentioned this to my mum, she said I was ‘love sick’. Some days, I felt like my emotions were drowning me, and some times it felt as if my heart had been stabbed by a knife, only with the absence of blood. My heart felt so heavy that nothing interested me. My friends told me that I’d find someone new one day; I wasn’t convinced by the idea of meeting someone else.
A few months later, after I got back from a week of holiday from Poland, I saw pictures on a friend’s Facebook of my ex was holding another woman intimately. I didn’t want to think the worse and thought that perhaps they were just friends. I decided to keep my mind occupied with other things. A week later, I found out that he was in Poland with that same girl. I called him, filled with mixed emotions. The part of me that missed him so deeply made me wonder whether I was beginning to fall in love with him all over again.
A few days later, he came to visit carrying a guilty look on his face. He hugged me and it felt as though it would be our last…
Two days later, my daughter and I travelled to Geneva to meet my parents and a conversation with my mum which changed everything. I was slowly preparing to let go of my ex.
When we got back to London, my daughter and I spotted my ex at the train station with that same girl. They looked happy. But, it was then that I decided to confront him. With my daughter behind me, I greeting him and his Polish girlfriend, both surprised and completely unprepared for a face-to-face with myself. Instead of being rude, I politely introduced myself to her as his wife, to which she replied “ex-wife”. “We have not ended our relationship,” I replied and she was far from pleased. But they had been together for several months and all that time, I was the one being the fool. It was then that I took my ex to one side and asked him for a divorce. The rest is history.
Funnily enough, we had all been on the same train, but I had decided to get on the First class section with my daughter. She asked me: “does this mean he doesn’t love you anymore?” It was one of the hardest thing I could imagine a child of that age could go through… and just a week before her birthday. I had to be honest with her; keeping myself from crying, I explained that she was right, he did not love me anymore. To see her in tears was the most upsetting thing. I knew that I had to protect her.
Just a week after we got married, he told me that he never wanted to marry me; I knew from then on that he did not take our relationship seriously. I should have broken up with him years ago. My instinct had always told me that I couldn’t trust him and I never did, so perhaps, that was why our relationship never worked.
Now that it’s ended, I’m completely free and I am moving on. Eleven months have been and gone; I now have a well paid job that I really enjoy and I’m adjusting to life as a single parent. The great thing about it is that I am able to enjoy every moment with my daughter, appreciating her company, as well as spending more quality time with my friends.
The moment you realise your relationship doesn’t bring you the happiness you deserve, don’t fight it — just let it go. The first two months were the hardest for me, but when I broke free and decided to be brave, I started letting go slowly. I opened up to my closest and dearest friends, and my family, who have been very supportive too. I started being myself again, doing the things that I enjoy and love. I can read as many books as I like and smile at strangers (but, not in an odd manner, of course!). The whole process of feeling sorry for myself has come to an end and I am ready for a better future, but what matters the most for me now is my present. I lost my best friend and although what he did to me was unforgivable, I eventually forgave him despite not receiving an apology. Had I not have done that, I couldn’t have moved on. I knew I had to let him go.
My search for my one true love has not ended completely, and I know he is somewhere out there. Despite what I have been through, I’ve not changed my mind about love, and I know that eventually, I’ll be able to love again. I know something good will happen one day. The only thing that would deter me from feeling that way I’d like to with a man is not so much an inability to trust another, but an inability to trust myself enough to be with him. If I could surpass that feeling of self consciousness and control my imagination then perhaps, a happy ending is in store for me. I’m giving love another chance.
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