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| Illustration by: Tom Whitmore |
Absence makes the heart grow fonder. This is only a fraction of the truth; absence also makes the heart grow in a million other ways. It doesn’t make you love someone more but, if you’re lucky, it makes you realise just how much you need them in your life. Being separated from the person you want to see most at the end of a long day by miles, time zones and temperamental internet connections is tough. Saying goodbye over and over again, especially if you don’t know when you’ll be saying hello again, is draining. Absence may well make the heart grow fonder, but when you’re left alone, it’s much more obvious that it makes your heart ache.
If you’re meant to be together though, you often don’t have a choice. Having that person in your life is worth getting through the hard times for. If you’re questioning whether a long distance relationship is worth the effort, it’s probably not. People get caught up focusing on how to make a long distance relationship work which, in my opinion, is a waste of time because the rules are exactly the same as for any other successful relationship (trust, honesty, communication, respect, valuing one another, the list goes on). If you’re in a long distance relationship, chances are you’ve got these things sorted or the relationship would fall apart pretty quickly. But if you know that there’s no way you could say goodbye for good and that you just need to make the best of the situation, how can you make life easier for yourself?
Tip 1: Make short term plans.
When you are always looking forward to the next slot of time that you will spend together, it is tempting to dwell on the big plans. Thinking about where you will be, physically and within your relationship, in so many years is important, but when it monopolises your thoughts and conversations, it can start to get you down. It feels like everything exciting is just so far away; you begin to wish the time away which, in the end, can only leave you feeling like you’re wasting whole sections of your life that you spend apart. So amidst the long term plans, plan something smaller and closer. It might be something to look forward together, something as simple as a long weekend, a meal, a walk on the beach – whatever your budget and scheduled time together allows. Since that reunion might still be months away, however, it’s also essential to plan for the times when it’s just you, which brings me to ideas two and three.
Tip 2: Keep busy.
Make the most of the opportunity to do things for yourself that get sidelined when your partner is around. For me, this is exercise. When I’m on my own, some sort of work out becomes part of my routine; it fills the evenings and makes me feel like I am doing something productive. We joke about how fit I get while my husband is away and how this quickly goes to waste when he returns (see Tip 4). Obviously a daily run is not everyone’s cup of tea; however, everyone has something lingering on their to-do list that never seems to get ticked off.
Tip 3: Don’t feel guilty for having fun.
When you are apart, life goes on. You have fun together, you have fun apart – these ideas are not mutually exclusive. Make the most of the other important people in your life who, let’s be honest, may not receive quite so much of your attention when your partner is around. Catching up with friends knowing that your partner is in the middle of a seemingly never-ending night of work doesn’t make you a bad person. After all, what healthy relationship involves spending every minute together? The fact that you can’t do something together doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it at all. And, it will give you something more exciting to talk about tomorrow than another evening of chocolate and box sets.
Tip 4: Keep dating.
Sometimes when you are reunited, you just want to spend days doing absolutely nothing, and that’s exactly what you need. At the same time though, it’s nice to do something special every now and then, to make you feel like you’re making the most of your time together and to really focus on each other. I like to make up for all of the time I’ve spent exercising instead of eating out; whatever it takes to give you something to look forward to, and potentially something to remember with a smile when you are separated again.
Tip 5: Cherish the everyday moments.
Whilst the plans and grand gestures are important, so are the little moments – the moments you share that would seem insignificant to anyone else. Once you’ve been apart, getting back into everyday life together can be the best feeling ever. But if all of your time apart has been spent planning fairy tale reunions and expensive treats, chances are you’ll miss out on the fun of life in between those plans.
Tip 6: Make sure your expectations are realistic.
This is the idea that I find the hardest to put into practice, although it is also the idea that has the most potential to save me from disappointment. Everything I have read about making a long distance relationship work implies that if you don’t talk constantly then you are destined to fail. It’s this idea that makes me forget that in the real world you don’t talk to one person all of the time. When we live together, I don’t feel the need to text my husband all day knowing that we will discuss our days in the evening. And when we talk at home, we don’t have deep, uninterrupted, hour-long conversations on a daily basis. If you’ve got time for that, how do you have time to do anything new to talk about? Dragging out phone conversations because you feel you should have more to talk about now you’re apart doesn’t actually make anyone feel better; sometimes a simple ‘I love you’ is enough.
No matter how long you spend apart, and how much you get used to it, the coping strategies that you develop do not stop the heart ache, though they might help to ease it. In the end though, it’s worth it because absence makes the heart grow. Perhaps the heart becomes fonder, perhaps stronger, tougher, more determined, more grateful, sadder (then happier again)... The ways in which absence can force you, and your relationship, to grow are endless. The important thing is simply that, through surviving the distance and making the best of the situation, you grow.
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